I just got dumped by a friend. Ever had that happen? It’s pretty ugly because this particular break-up was face to face. No hiding behind Facebook and giggling wildly while pressing the UNFRIEND button. No, this one was up-close and personal. Sitting right in front of each other when we realized we no longer liked the person across the table. How does one elegantly untangle themselves from THAT? Offer to pay for lunch. That’s what I did, and it worked after I insisted a few times but it’s made me stop and wonder, am I an asshole?
Wait, let me reword that. Of course I’m an asshole. We all are from time to time and it’s entirely possible that BOTH of us are being assholes at this moment, but who is being the BIGGER asshole? My friend is going through a personal crisis that has caused her to make some questionable decisions about her marriage. She tells me these things and though I KNOW I’m not supposed to express any displeasure about it, I kind of can’t help it. She immediately insists it hasn’t become intimate, but I never believe it when someone says that. It’s funny how many people have stared at me dead-in-the-eye and said, “No, I didn’t DO anything with him,” only to get drunk later and laughingly tell me about screwing the Best Man. People lie about sex. This isn’t news to anyone, right? People probably lie more about sex than they do on their resumes.
So, my friend is telling me about this man she ISN’T having sex with and their spouses who are supposedly fine with the whole thing and she expects…exaclty what from me? I have just come from yoga class where the instructor kept telling us to be honest. STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF. HONESTY!!! Typical shit they’re always spouting off in yoga class and usually refers to the person in the back of the class who is yoga-farting with abandon. These words kept echoing through my head as my friend went on and on about how this is affair was a way for her to work through her own marital problems.
So I was honest.
Now, I don’t remember exactly WHAT I said to her because I was hoovering through a massive mound of some of the best vegetarian lasagna I’ve ever eaten but according to the look on her face, I was succint. You can guess the rest. She said I made her uncomfortable, said she felt judged and unsupported. I tried to change the subject but there was really no rescuing the situation. She finally said she had to leave and frankly, I was glad. I said to her, “Look, I will never be anything if not honest with you. I am your friend and I’m not going to lie.” She muttered something under her breath as she left. I think it was supposed to be an angry comeback but we were so defeated at that point it really didn’t matter.
So, who is right here? I took the moral high ground and was honest about my opinion but why did I have to? She didn’t need or care to hear how I felt about it. Why did I feel the need to be judgemental? Who cares if she’s making stupid choices? As her friend, am I not supposed to be there for her no matter what? Smile, nod my head and say, “Yes, I bet an open-marriage would be GREAT for your kids?”
I don’t know. So here I sit on my high-horse with one less friend and a terrible feeling in my stomach, though it could be that lasagna.
Or maybe I am just an asshole.